Coping? Happy? Just Surviving? Better Now than A Couple of Months Ago? Worse? Some Ideas for Pandemic-Time Self-Preservation

Did you know sparrows are singing better during the pandemic? The male birds don’t have to sing as loud as usual to compete with man-made noise like car and truck traffic so they can sing softer with wider range – which sounds better (and sexier) to female sparrows! During all our struggles, strife, and loss, we should all stay mindful of what has improved in our lives since the pandemic shutdown. Even if it’s something as commonplace as a birdsong.

October 10, 2020 – Pandemic time is not a good time for a lot of people. These days are tough for parents, children, frontline healthcare and public safety workers, students, teachers, party people, amateur and pro athletes, and on and on.

Homebodies, introverts, and hermits may not notice a difference in their lives during pandemic time. Extroverts (like me) who enjoy doing activities in a group have not been so lucky. I’ve been on sports teams and in clubs for so long it’s ingrained in me that one commits to the group and then gets to enjoy the support and synergy of the group, whatever that group might be. Now I’m isolated from my groups; whether exercise, art class, clubs, volunteer efforts, grass-roots activities, or even neighborhood parties. I’ve watched and talked to other extroverts and used online and print resources to educate myself about how to get through this tough time of isolation. I’ve found some ways to help myself endure (endure: (verb) “to suffer patiently”). So, let us be patient and endure. Here’s my list – see if any of my ideas help you to endure. Perhaps this can be a reference for you as we head into the winter of 2020.

Spread out the good things. Don’t pile all the fun activities you can muster on the same day. Spread those fun things out across several days or even several weeks. There aren’t a lot of our usual fun things available to us these days, so don’t pile them up and enjoy them all at once. This is a long haul. I’ll say it again: spread out the fun things across your calendar. This is related to delayed gratification and it is also part of “something to look forward to” below.
Defeat the “shoulds.” Those of us who don’t have day jobs, for one reason or another (gig economy, lost jobs, furloughed, retired), may be faced with random attacks of the “shoulds” where we have that mental conversation with ourselves about how we should be learning a new language, we should be cleaning out the expired food in the pantry, we should be organizing the garage, we should be culling the family photos – because we have all this free time. This was particularly acute a few months ago when we thought we’d be back to normal in a short time so we needed to take advantage of idle time. Well, we have more idle time than we thought we would, don’t we? Regardless, the focus of our energy doesn’t have to be our keeping pace with friends or family who report that they’re accomplishing all these wonderful goals. If you can get some tasks done, hooray. If you feel like goofing off, and that’s part of your self-preservation scheme, then goof off. It is mandatory that we eat, maintain personal hygiene, exercise, sleep, look after our elders and our children and each other. But if we need to do pointless, dumb stuff from time-to-time, that’s fine. Play a video game, watch old re-runs on TV, do a puzzle, take a nap. The laundry can wait. Learn Swedish next week or next month or never. This is the strangest period of time any of us have lived through. Right now, we just need to get through it. Give yourself a break and give the “shoulds” a rest.
Be in touch, somehow. If you’re the one who “needs people” as some of my friends have described themselves (me included), sometimes you have to take the initiative and reach out. It would be great if our loved ones who survive just fine by themselves would know that we need a little conversation but you may need to give them a nudge by initiating the interaction. Be the inviter. If they’re nearby, go for a socially-distanced walk. If they’re geographically separated, set up a zoom, facetime, skype or whatever your platform of choice might be. Live phonecalls work well, too. Emails and texts can be a positive but the richness might not be the same as real-time, live, back-and-forth interaction. Summon up your nerve and put out the invitation. You’ll feel better. And, if they love you and know you, maybe they’ll do the inviting next time.
Reach down deeper in your contacts list (what’s a Rolodex?). A buddy told me that one of the good things to come out of staying at home during the pandemic is the wonderful experience she’s had reconnecting with friends from long ago. She has a handful of people who were particularly important to her during formative school days, but overtime they have become just occasional Christmas cards-type friends – in the process they have lost touch with what was going on in each other’s lives. The advent of our new online communications methods, coupled with the boredom of trying to remain safe at home, have helped connect those friends again. I recommend you dig down in your friends list, rack your brain, check your old photos or yearbooks or pull out your Christmas cards list. You might find that when you reconnect with friends from long ago it’s like no time has passed. I, myself, received a social media shout-out from a long-lost volleyball friend I hadn’t heard from in over 25 years. She and one of her teenage daughters were entertaining themselves going through old photos and my face popped up! (I didn’t even know she had daughters!) It shouldn’t take a pandemic for us to reconnect with our long-lost friends (from school, the volleyball circuit, past neighborhoods or elsewhere), but if a pandemic is the trigger, let’s take advantage. Reconnecting can reinforce how much those friends meant to us back then and can enrich our lives now during these tough times, and maybe into the future.
Read a new book, watch a new movie, watch a new television series. Do one of these then be sure to tell a friend because everyone is looking for diversions! When my zoom conversations with geographically-separated friends run out of conversation topics, we easily shift to what we’ve read or watched lately that we can recommend. Some suggestions might be too fluffy for your taste, some might be too dark. I, personally, can’t read stuff that’s too negative or serious (or about viruses) right now. But others might find some relief in reading apocalyptic stories. There’s so much available, try for some diversion. Then pass it along.
Keep an accomplishments log. Journal about your mood and feelings, if it helps. Jot down some contact-tracing notes every day. Your Google Maps Timeline may inform you when you went to the drugstore last but it won’t know how many folks you stopped to talk to on your neighborhood walk. Early on, when I was battling the “shoulds” and not really accomplishing anything, I felt bad. I started writing down some daily quick entries like, “made a great dinner” or “did zoom exercise” or “talked to Linda on the phone”. If you think you’re not getting enough done, looking at that nice long list can belie that feeling. Writing in a journal about my experiences during this time turned too negative and sad for me so I’m just writing my quick one-liners in brightly colored pens on easel paper that I can see from across the room. It brightens my mood. I also jot down on a paper calendar where we’ve gone out every time we go out, so that we can do responsible tracing, when asked, if/when it ever comes to that.
Get a change of scenery. The simplest thing here is just to get out of the house. It starts by sitting on your apartment balcony or in your yard. Go outside for 30 minutes a day, they say. Get outside before winter sets in because winter-time is going to be a lot less conducive to being outside after the weather cools. I’ve learned for me, going to the grocery store or picking up carryout is not that change of scenery necessary to pick up my spirits. Too much worry about other people and being safe. To tell the truth, I also haven’t had success enjoying a drive in the country, either. Either of those may work for you. But I’m doing better exploring my immediate neighborhood streets on foot or by bike, or making a quick drive to the beach, or heading to a newly-reopened park nearby. Nature is good. Fresh air is good. Go for a bike ride yourself, maybe. Or go longer – you may want to…
Block time to do something out of your routine – did you get a vacation in 2020? Do something fun – for several days, even. If you didn’t get a real vacation during the summer and you have a daytime job, you might have vacation time built up. Take time off from your everyday routine. Set aside a few days to do something out of the ordinary for you. One friend followed the typical aily schedule of our week-long time together at craft school, even to taking a nature walk to start her day and enjoying a musical performance by substituting some of that craft school folk music for her usual music at home. Or perhaps you could cut a deal with an in-house family member to take a time off to swap spa treatments, “I’ll do your mani-pedi and massage if you’ll do mine!” If the in-person family reunion was canceled this summer, can you recast some of those fun activities in a daily schedule online or within your household? Perhaps you can turn away from the videoconference screen and rotate between visiting different local parks every day for a few days in a row. Maybe set yourself up to finish that fun project you started a year ago and never completed. Take a break from the same old-same old and make it a mini-camp for yourself.
Dress up – even if it’s just a little. You might put on a favorite bright-colored shirt to brighten your mood around the house when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. Find that nice t-shirt or polo in the back of your closet from a fun trip or sporting event or one that reminds you of a friend. I’ve had a former work friend on a zoom chat tell me that these days she’s wearing the same outfit for an entire week because she’s not going out, she doesn’t garden or do much exercise, so she doesn’t feel the need to change clothes. Good for the environment, I suppose, less laundry water used, but otherwise, ugh. How about adding a little jewelry? I’ve been in a couple of zoom chats during which the other participants and I have held up our hands to show we’re not wearing our rings or watches nor earrings or any other jewelry. I do make an effort to brush my hair, pre-zoom (and I wish my fellow lady zoomers would please put on a brassiere). But what’s the point of nicer clothing and jewelry, right? I would like to suggest there is a point. If you have kids in the house, you still have to set a good example, don’t you? Without kids to influence, a nice shirt or a pair of pants that fits you well might lighten your mood. Maybe just a couple of days a week. In pre-pandemic days, old-timers like myself would suggest to those of a younger generation that dressing up for an appointment or interview was a sign of respect for the boss or the interviewer. To a lesser extent it’s also a sign of respect to make yourself presentable nowadays to interact with your friends and family, even if it is just two-dimensional, electronic interaction. (Okay, if you’re doing daily 5-minute facetime check-ins with your college student offspring maybe you don’t need to dress up every time.) Consider upping your game a little bit during your videoconferences out of respect for your fellow participants and also out of respect for yourself. We’re friends but please – at least put on a bra.
Do something you’re good at. I have found that my mood lightens on those days when I’ve accomplished something (aside from defeating the “shoulds”). I have also found that my mood lightens almost immediately when I’m doing something I know I do well. Even if it’s something as simple as achieving a difficult yoga pose, baking cupcakes or helping a student with their English homework. Apply your expertise to a problem, remind yourself that though we’re trapped in a pandemic world right now, there is a better future where you can do even more. So reach out to…
Help someone. Look around your workplace, among family or friends, or in your neighborhood. If you’re brave enough to volunteer for a food drive or to run errands for someone, do it. I have volunteered for many years but I’m not pandemic-brave enough yet to mix it up, in-person, with people I don’t know in situations I don’t have any control over, as a volunteer. If in-person volunteering opportunities aren’t available to you, can you help someone over zoom or facetime? Or provide a little expertise in your field to a friend on the phone or over the fence? Perhaps a little distance-tutoring for a student you know? We all feel better about ourselves and the future when we help others. The converse of this idea is – if you need help, ask your friends or family to help you. The helper will feel better for it, too (until the helpee becomes a clingy, needy burden and keeps asking for help over and over again – watch out for that.). But let me repeat, if you need help, please ask.
Buy stuff if you can afford it. Online. We don’t have the same fun of shopping in person that we had, pre-pandemic – assuming you are someone who used to enjoy shopping (stereotypically, that would be ladies shopping for shoes or makeup and gentlemen shopping for tools or cars – ha!). I don’t think I was really a mall rat, myself, but every now and then it was fun to go to the big mall and stroll around, people-watching, checking out the window displays, then letting curiosity pull me into one store or another. Mall wandering has been replaced by roaming virtually through websites and online suggestions from social media platforms. If you have the means, pull the trigger and buy something. Pre-pandemic, if life felt out of control, one way of reining in a sense of control was to make a little purchase. This is the simplest psychology out there. Nowadays, if you feel similarly out-of-control, buy a little doo-dad online. But maintain control of your buying so you don’t spend up all your spare cash. Be careful.
Hug someone in your bubble. A lot. Multiple times each day. Your body will automatically produce positive hormones that will lighten your mood with just a simple hug. I like to sigh while I’m hugging but that’s just me. Kind of like a deep, cleansing breath.
Go to the doctor. Go to the dentist. It’s scary but they’ll be careful and you will, too. You have to look after yourself.
Educate yourself about your feelings. There are books and websites that can provide you with some weapons for your resilience arsenal. In the last 6 months, I’ve read about: happiness, building resilience, getting older, mindfulness, self-care, and getting to calm. I’m not espousing a cult-like adoption of any ideas you may find, but I’m confident there are nuggets to be gleaned. Here’s one from the book ‘Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart’ – “The components of happiness are: something to do, someone to love, something to look forward to.” What do you think of that? I’m not sure that’s a perfect fit for me. It certainly simplifies being happy and gives you a lens to examine your own level of happiness, right this minute. Do you have those three components? And speaking of something to look forward to, of course it can be a trip to the beach or mountains or seeing a friend. But I also find myself looking forward to ‘hair-washing days’ and ‘cleaning the house days’. Those are little tasks that help break up the continuity (reference: Groundhog Day movie) a little bit.
If you are in the depths of despair and not able to identify why you feel bad, examine your fears. It took me months of pandemic-time struggle before it dawned on me that I’ve had two basic fears the past seven months since shutdown. My two fears: first, I am afraid of running out of something to do. Second, I am afraid of running out of friends to talk to. Regarding my first fear of running out of something to do: there are no art classes, no church, no concerts, no exercise classes at the gym, no nice indoor restaurants, no parties, no safe volunteering activities, all compounded by my moving away from the geographic area I’m familiar with – so no built-in groups of people to talk to, provided by these activities. Those activities are all “something to do”. With other people! Once I identified that fear of running out of something to do, I started to dismantle it. There is really no way I will run out of something to do. Only by my lack of motivation, I suppose. I have boxes of my father’s photographs to sort, I can sew masks, I can learn to knit (the beginner kits have been waiting for me to open them and learn for over 10 years), I do artwork, I can cook more elaborate meals that take much more time than my usual 30 minutes. I’m sure you can look around yourself and find many good tasks to do. Therefore, my fear #1 is now dismantled and maybe managed. On to the second fear of running out of friends. I will now dismantle that. I will not run out of friends. Nor will you. We will dig deeper in our contacts lists, if it comes to that. I have established zoom sessions with several groups of buddies. I’m sure you’ve noticed there are people who video-teleconference better or more willingly than others. Identifying those who want to keep in touch this way and scheduling those times can present a challenge. Appreciating those who love me but aren’t really good at VTC communications is part of the challenge, too. I just have to let them go and figure out another way to stay in touch. My goal is not to overwhelm my friends with my attention! They all know I’m an extrovert stuck in this unprecedented time that favors introverts. I do wish the ones who join me in zooms would let me know they enjoy our group chats. I also wish someone else would initiate the communications sometimes. But if the burden is on me because I’m having the hardest time getting through isolation and these events help me, I will persist as the one doing the inviting. Because it’s worth it!
Find your level of comfortable risk management. I have a friend who hasn’t been to the grocery store yet. In seven months, she’s had every bag of groceries delivered to her doorstep. I, in comparison, never stopped going to the grocery store. For me, large chain grocery stores present manageable risk. I try to go when the store is pretty sparsely populated. I stay away from store employees when they are stocking shelves. I keep my distance from anyone not wearing a mask properly. The big grocery store buildings have pretty good ventilation. I try to get in and out quickly. I wear a mask and safety glasses. The glasses keep my fingers out of my eyes and other shoppers from sneezing their germs into my uncovered eyes. I’ll tell you though, my friend who gets all her groceries delivered decided to make a trip to the hair salon to get a haircut, which she knows is a much riskier behavior than going to the grocery store. She has shortish hair and she needed a cut, so she went, after requesting maximum safety measures from her hairdresser. That was her self-determined acceptable risk level. I have another friend of significantly advanced age who has been going out to restaurants lately – but only if he could eat outdoors. Frankly, if I thought I was in my twilight years, I might be enjoying myself out in restaurants, too. But I’m playing what they call the “long game.” I’m hoping for another couple of decades of going out to nice restaurants, after all this, someday. I love restaurants and miss them terribly. If my friend wants to enjoy life by going out, then he should do it. For your mental health, if all the folks around you are behaving unsafely in your estimation, try not to be too judgmental. Also, if all the folks around you are taking too many precautions and are being too careful in your mind, try not to be too judgmental. As they say, “You do you.” We all need to measure our own comfort level – and hope that the folks in our bubble have the same risk management level we do. Try to get everyone in your bubble to agree on the same safety precautions. However, when establishing your risk level, be smart. Don’t use peer pressure (e.g. no one else at the happy hour was wearing a mask…so I didn’t wear mine) or jealousy (e.g. my friends are going out, I want to go out!) to establish your safety level. Those aren’t viable rationales. Educate yourself on the current science and set your own level. If you want to continue to wipe off your groceries (knowing that Dr. Fauci doesn’t disinfect his groceries) then continue to wipe down your groceries! If you want to have equally careful friends over for a picnic dinner, then have them over and take precautions. Just measure your risk-to-reward ratio – make sure the payoff is worth the amount of risk you’re accepting.
Do what it takes to feel secure. If you can make your own masks, great. If you want to buy good masks, spend the money and do it. Just try not to use a bandana (jeez!) unless it’s a last resort. (Yes, they’re better than nothing. But if you need a good mask, call me, I’ll mail you one.) If you feel the urge to install a home security system to feel secure, do that. If you want to buy a freezer (good luck, around here backorders are currently three months), buy a freezer and stock it with whatever food will make you feel comfortable during this pandemic-hoarding-time. If you want to load up your larder with canned soup and big bags of rice, do it. There’s a sense of peace that can come with having what you need on hand, in your home. You may not be faced with food insecurity like some less fortunate Americans but I have to inform you, there’s still no chunky peanut butter in my grocery store. It’s ridiculous. I need chunky peanut butter! Load up on paper towels and 409, if that makes you happy. Just don’t empty out the entire store shelf in one trip. Leave a little for the next shopper.
Acknowledge that you feel sad or angry or impatient or lonely or bored or at your wit’s end. These are real feelings so don’t tamp them down, push them away, or hide them. (Unless you need to protect someone who’s more fragile than you, like a child or an elder. Then, off by yourself or with a trusted friend, make sure you acknowledge and feel those feelings.) Everything is not ‘okay’ for a lot of us. This pandemic lifestyle is awful. So, acknowledge the awfulness, for your own mental health. But try to not wallow too long. What are your favorite tools and behaviors to break out of those funks? Put them to work! How about this:
Play music, sing, play an instrument, watch a favorite concert online or on television. Stream (or cd or record player or radio) some music when you’re doing chores, cooking dinner, or need to get charged up or calmed down. Music, especially familiar music, is very helpful at reminding us that not all is lost. There’s still beauty out there. Listen to it.
Remind yourself that you have it pretty good. I apologize if I’m generalizing here, but I’m making guesses about my average reader. You, individually, might not have it so good. I’m sorry. For most of you, you have a paycheck or a bank account or both. You have food. You have a car, a computer, a television, a smartphone and so on. You can go to the doctor if you get hurt. If you want to buy a little geegaw to send a friend, you can. As for me, it hasn’t really helped make me feel better to know that I have it better than others who are suffering more. As you can see, I end up feeling sorry for them and for me. But it is worth reminding ourselves that we do have it pretty good when the complaints start to bubble up.
Eat healthy but don’t be silly about it. If you want a cookie, have a cookie. If you want some ice cream, have some. This is not the time to deny yourself, if a little treat will lighten your mood. Along with this I must say: monitor your alcohol consumption. You should know how much you drank pre-pandemic. Use that as a guide and don’t add much, if any. Now is not the time to become dependent on any substances. In the long-term we all know they don’t help us cope. Excuse me, but I have to go order takeout dinner now – made up entirely of my favorite egg rolls!
Daydream. We’ve learned that having something to look forward to can enhance our happiness. While not doing any specific planning, there can be joy in thinking about the fun stuff we’ll get to do sometime in the future. Have a little daydream. You might find it helpful. Don’t dwell on what you can’t do right now. Enjoy a little fantasy time. Just be careful if someone asks you to put down a cash deposit on that fantasy.
Get good sleep, no matter how impossible that may sound. If it helps to have a warm bath or shower before bed, do that. If you need to exercise to wear yourself out so you can sleep, do that. Watch your caffeine intake more carefully than usual. And remember to separate from blue light sources before heading to bed and leave the phone elsewhere and muted or off. Don’t beat yourself up if it takes a little extra time to fall asleep or if you wake up a little early. Just do your best to get some rest.
Monitor your news intake. And seriously limit your social media engagement if it brings you down. Educate yourself but be careful. The political climate we’re in has resulted in loads of “made up stuff” on social media. Find real news sources you can trust but watch the number of negative articles and stories you consume from any source. Unfortunately, and it pains me to say this, also be careful about the number of bonafide scientific articles you read. I love science. All the data and conclusions are good to know. Better informed is always better armed to make good decisions for yourself and your loved ones but there’s only so much pandemic-related doom and gloom we can absorb. Educate yourself about pandemic science. Do not trust non-scientists to know science. They don’t, so they tend to make stuff up. Consider turning yourself away from the bad news (scientific or otherwise) if it gets overwhelming. If you have questions about the science, ask a scientist or doctor. I’m happy to oblige, if I can. I can also recommend sound, well-researched, well-vetted scientific sources online or in print.
Exercise. Do yoga. We’re sitting around more than ever because we can’t go out easily. We need to move, we need to stretch, we need to stay strong and fit for the long-term. Getting some exercise might wear you out enough to help you sleep and it will also burn off some of those ice cream, cookie, and eggroll calories. Yoga will help you stretch those stiff body parts and your yogi’s voice could be a source of calm and reassurance. If you learn to meditate, you can also help your own mental state significantly.
Congratulate yourself for making it this far. We’ve made it to today (and with a little luck and fortitude, we’ll make it to tomorrow, one day at a time). We’ve made it through almost seven months, so we can get all the way through, no matter when that will be. Let us focus on the day-to-day reality. We’ve put the longer-term future on hold but we’re going to get through this. We will endure! We’ve already shown we can. Use this list as a reference for ideas going forward – refer back to it, if you like.
Add your own strategies for enduring this unprecedented time. What techniques are you using to get through? Maybe one of mine resonates with you. Maybe one of yours will work for me. Pass your ideas along!

by Wanda Aimless

Posted: October 11, 2020

Category: Uncategorized